I always wonder what the future will hold for me, as I’m sure you do too. I go through stages of being intensely interested, and terrifically afraid. There is so much uncertainty in the world, why dwell on it? Why draw your own attention to the uncertainty that comes with growing older, growing up, being alive? Its often easier to just pretend that you don’t care; it doesn’t really matter, that’s a problem for ‘future me’ to deal with. It’s not real until you’re living it, and often by then its too late to change the course of your trajectory.
I suppose the simple reason we are afraid is the uncertainty. When it comes to picking a post-graduate course; what good will it do you? Will it get you the job/respect/grade/intelligence/skills that you crave? Will it serve you well to sacrifice another number of years in pursuit of something you might never attain? The chiming of students world wide; “but when will we ever use this in real life?”
What about with relationships? You are dedicating a large portion of your life, your energy to this other person, and just crossing your fingers that it works out. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But you believe it will. You want it to work out. Often it doesn’t, and you’re happy to let a relationship slide because part of you recognises that it’s ultimately not the One. That a particular person is not your ultimate partner, and so while you are sad to part ways, you are also relieved. Being alone gives you the ultimate opportunity to recognise the person who IS right for you. Until you meet That Guy (or girl) who is just amazing. Who even your subconscious recognises as appropriate for you. Nay, ideal for you. They match you, they love you, they compliment and strengthen who you fundamentally are as an individual. That is the person that you feel physical pain to be apart from, who you recognise something indescribably fitting about. It’s hard to articulate, but the cliche is true; you just know. You can just tell. This is the guy I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.
I guess ultimately when you think about it, as scary as it can be to plan for the future, we always do. At least to some degree. Whether you recognise it or not, you are planning for your future; everything you do is to assist your future self. Schooling, working, investing your love and vulnerability in another person. All of that is for your future. No matter how hopeless you feel, or how apathetic you might be to life at that exact moment, deep down a part of you cares about what happens next.
Don’t lose faith, because even when you feel you can’t keep up, when failure is all-but-certain, there is a part of you that is subconsciously striving to achieve your ends. All you need is to hang on until something tangible and indicative of a future presents itself to you. Your subconscious recognises these cues already, but we can talk ourselves into disbelieving. Just wait. Your time will come, and when it does, it will fulfil dreams that you didn’t even know you had.
* I would like to thank my boyfriend, Matt. You bring out the best in me every single day. I love you for who you are, and who I am with you. You keep me hopeful and upbeat when all the tea, puppies and aquariums in the world won’t cheer me. I love you.